Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.