11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
boat question
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi