Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.