Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Good Morning.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?