There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.