Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
You Might Also Like
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well