Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I’m literally crying
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan