“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
meow
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
concern
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet