A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!