Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.