Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
sugar glider wrangler
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait