Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.