I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great