If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
This has made my week.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.