Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Peace was never an option
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*puts cutlery down*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Smooooooth
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]