Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
How is it still this week?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”