That earthquake could have been an email.
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.