[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Lucky old June.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go