“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo