*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”