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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”