-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.