Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
March 16
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.