If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?