Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
You Might Also Like
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
courtroom exchange of the day
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.