Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.