Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist