9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*