My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Storm Tropical Storm
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.