Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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me: *types* the bathroom one
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”