captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m an avid indoorsman.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants