the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton