Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My daily affirmation
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Spring of Deception
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire