The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right