Heroic Misunderstanding
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”