*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I thought this was funny lol
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.