Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil