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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Wait a minute
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me