when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really