Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?