Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys