Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
S M O L
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Planet of the Apps.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.