When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The Birdles
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.