Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
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You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.