Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
#Caturday
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas