Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Don’t we all.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*