Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
You Might Also Like
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.