Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You Might Also Like
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.