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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast