Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What an awful time to have common sense.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Bringing home a sharpie
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.